Why McDonald's Sucks

A first stab at food review after a sad, lonely eating experience

Posted 29 Jan 2017    Edited 29 Jan 2017

Why does McDonald's suck?

Short story: because I don't really like it very much.

Long story: yesterday, I bought a guacamole burger from McDonald's, and then I ate it. It made me think about my whole history with McD’s; so, here we go.

From as far back as I have been storing memories until I was about eight years old, I would ask my mom for happy meals at McDonald's. Like every kid ever, the only thing I gave half a crap about was the toy. So, when that wasn't fun anymore, McDonald's (for me) went down.

One day, my mom took me and my little brother to McDonald's, and I said something like “Mom, i'm not really into the Happy Meals anymore,” and she was all proud that I was growing up. She was like, “Well, what do you want then?" and I was like, “I’ll get a Big Mac, I guess.”

That was my first one.

That one, and probably the twenty I ate since then, have all been disappointments. I would always approach a new Big Mac with a voice in my head like, “Hey, it's been a while since you've had a Big Mac. Maybe it's time to try it out again, eh?" and then I’d buy the Big Mac. And then I’d eat it. And then the voice would be like, “Oh yeah, it's been a while since you've had a Big Mac because they suck. Sorry, I forgot" - so, yeah... that exact thing twenty times.

Before yesterday, I’d had a McD’s dry spell; probably a couple years without a sandwich from there. But, for the past month or so there's been a promotion on the marquee: “New guacamole burger" ... hmm... I do love guacamole...

It happened so fast, but all the sudden, I’m queued up at the drive-thru window > I order a guacamole burger and a water > $5.30 > I drive my car to an empty parking lot (sad, I know) > I open up the box, and...

Which is just shiny enough to look a lot like

I ran my fingers across the top of the bun to kind of assess how greasy this thing was (I assumed it was grease creating the high-polish shine effect) but it was actually totally dry. I’ve eaten some brioches that had a similar shininess, but... not exactly the same thing.

The first bite was okay: taste - okay, texture - okay. Couldn't taste the guacamole yet. The second bite was a disaster. I take responsibility for not being as cautious as I should have been with a new sandwich, but this thing exploded on me. There is a layer of sauce below the patty that really makes it an accident waiting to happen. Anyway, I was like, “Welp, guess I’m done with this shirt today.”

I tried to enjoy the sandwich and really pay attention to the taste and quality, but it was over pretty quick. I’ll admit that I was expecting a little more food for $5; and, of the twelve to fifteen bites I took, I feel like I got a good taste of guacamole in about three of them.

On a scale of not-that-good to pretty good, I give the McDonald's guacamole burger an "okay" - and I’m afraid that the guacamole burger was McD’s last shot, for me (at least for the foreseeable future).

But that's just one man's opinion. Here's a report on some cold financial facts. << That's McDonald's. Compare that to the Yum brand's annual report [KFC, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut]. I know it's kind of comparing apples and oranges because not all the same metrics are used, but it's pretty clear what direction each company is moving.

In this case, my personal opinion is reflected in the stats. I would rather eat any item in a Yum brand establishment than something from McDonald’s.

But don't feel bad, McDonald's. Don't forget the decades where you got to be number one just because. You had a good run (and I guess the game's not over til it's over). I don't like you, my friends don't like you, and my family doesn't like you, but you hang in there, tiger, for as long as you can - because we need some time to round up enough paint and pressure cookers to turn all you guys into KFCS